come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
