so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
