I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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