I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I intend to get homeless drunk
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
