these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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