My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
