Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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