Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
