I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
