Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
