They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
