I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
