Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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