God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
