You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
this just has baby written all over it
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
