The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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