i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
