he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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