Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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