I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
