I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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