Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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