you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
