Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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