Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Who died my cat blue again?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
