If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize