wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize