i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
