no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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