At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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