my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
