no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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