you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
