I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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