He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm too high and old for this...
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