did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just google imaged poop.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
