We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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