I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
