It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
