I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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