I wish my penis had an off switch
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
