it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
