can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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