1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think my fart just growled at me.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
