my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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