Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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