dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
