You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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