Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
