my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
