Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
