I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
