I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
