I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
