I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I could fuck to npr.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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