i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
