I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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