Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
