Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
