But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
