Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
